You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Blew my mind.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal