You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
i can’t wait that long
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.