You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

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In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.


Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*


If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.


Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.


With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.


childrens alphabet books are the only thing keeping us from forgetting what a xylophone is


At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.


[Inn fight]

Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering

Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear


[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves