You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.