*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Love is always patient and kind.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”