You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians