I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
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Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[giving tinder girl the tour of my apartment] i caught a Pokémon right here last night
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
March: Complete Lockdown
April: 70s bush is back
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.