@morganastra

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

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@simoncholland

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

@Jandalize

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

@GingerHotDish

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

@sparticus_af

[giving tinder girl the tour of my apartment] i caught a Pokémon right here last night

@LostFelicia

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

@TheAndrewNadeau

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

@junejuly12

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

@kerihw

Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.