You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
San Francisco has too many rules
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Not even remotely sorry.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.