You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
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Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
why am I working on Labor Day
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild