You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

You Might Also Like


you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does


The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.


Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.


They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.


Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.


My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”


I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.


CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free


Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.