@envydatropic

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

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@gingerbrigade1

I want to lose a couple pounds
so, instead of eating better,
I’m just gonna decrease
my evening cereal intake
from 3 bowls to 2.

@reallifemommy3

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed?

What my wife said: If you want to

What I heard: If you want to live

@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@mic22ken

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

@GingerHotDish

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

@5hael

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers