You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
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Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer