@envydatropic

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

@XplodingUnicorn

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

@heidi420x

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

@jackiembouvier

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

@mstern68

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

@BazzaCC

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

@BPMbadassmama

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

@dadmann_walking

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

@neiltyson

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.