you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
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My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.