@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

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@SICKOFWOLVES

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

@alkemp57

I’ve just invented a perfume made from holy water
Eau my God

@NikiWithIssues

Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.

@Skoog

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

@OllyiConic

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@Dutch_50

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”