You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
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How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Admin smashed it 😂
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Motion detecting home security camera working well!