You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
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dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.