Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Ooops wrong house😂😜
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.