If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
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What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”