me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
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They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”