@bngzyface

You get the public restroom all to yourself if you sing Happy Birthday to your poops.

You Might Also Like

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

@BourbonLuv

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…

@lecalabara

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

@girlnarly

[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop

@PaperWash

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

@naazihah

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

@JuliePee

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

@KrangTNelson

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing