Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar