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@thedad

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

@LostFelicia

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

@krishna_van

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

@janinebrito

*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-

*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*
“DEBRA WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOU TO HER PROFESSIONAL NETWORK!”

@chrissyteigen

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

@AssOnHat

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

@tat2dsoccermom

Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.