Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
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When I say I’m as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-
*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*
“DEBRA WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOU TO HER PROFESSIONAL NETWORK!”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
the abominable snowman
the loch ness monster
a super walmart
a 2,000 calorie diet
Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.