does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
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Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Good morning!