@Tbone7219

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

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@SCbchbum

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

@tweetsbyrocket

911: what’s your emergency

me: someone stole my watch

911: when did this happen

me: how am i supposed to know

@ronnui_

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

@DragonflyJonez

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

@urmumsausername

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

@slimmy_shady

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

@RealSamHarwood

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude