When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
You Might Also Like
Mom hires magician for birthday party, Voldemort #badluckbrian
911: what’s your emergency
me: someone stole my watch
911: when did this happen
me: how am i supposed to know
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude