Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
You Might Also Like
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out