“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
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Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
remember
only for emergencies
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.