Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
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I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.