You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!