You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.


2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”


drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?


I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.


Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.


Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.


*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.