The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it
goat: Hit me again.