You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Breaking news:
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you