You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

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My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.


I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”


Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.


If you smoke while you’re pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.


Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.


One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…


Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.


cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly


If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.