My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
You Might Also Like
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.
If you smoke while you’re pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.