@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

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@junejuly12

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

@totmessmom

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

@onedogsopinion

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

@djdarrellripley

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

@aveuaskew

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

@DBMaxP

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

@brendohare

The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn’t do it. They said I couldn’t fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right

@Darlainky

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.