You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

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If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.


We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.


Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.


Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…


My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.


I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want


The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn’t do it. They said I couldn’t fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right


Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.