@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

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@TheMichaelRock

[at interview]

Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself.

Me: I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.

@AlexRogaski

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

@SteveKoehler22

Top five movies that could
easily have been about @ ‘ers :

-Alien
-Psycho
-Raging Bull
-Close Encounters
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

@rickolantern

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

@BangMyBongo

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

@AnOrangeSNES

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

@james_comics

interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@mommajessiec

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

@robfee

Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped

@_ElvishPresley_

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that