*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
A fake ID that makes you younger
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John