you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.