When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.