Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
this is so top tier i cant
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow