@AndyAsAdjective

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

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@AimeeHelene1

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

@dixonshuman

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

@GroovyTasia

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

@Robert_Beau

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

@afiercemind

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

@iwearaonesie

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

@HackettKate

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”