You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
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I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Bruh PLEASE
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now