You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
You Might Also Like
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.