You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Friday
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room