Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[School band tryouts]
ME: They say I have perfect pitch
TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got
*I throw a baseball right into the tuba*
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?
DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I eat my pizza with a knife and fork because I am from a big family, and you need weapons to protect your food at all times
Adam Driver looks like someone tried to draw Keanu Reeves from memory