You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
A huge thanks to the person that did this
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
This is sending me to another galaxy
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
hi why am I like this
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.