You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
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If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Made something I’m not proud of
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Brilliant!
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…