You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
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My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
This probably isn’t good
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS