You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
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All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I am a gravy boat captain
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Meow
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
How your email finds me
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.