Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
You Might Also Like
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*