I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
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Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?