You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party


Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.


I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma.

They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life


Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)


“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”


When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.


I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone


Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.


When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you