Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma.
They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Drop 👏 that 👏 skincare 👏 routine 👏
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you