You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
When I said I liked it rough.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
One venti cheeseburger please.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance