You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.