you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

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Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.


So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”


The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).


I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous


The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.


before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war


you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower