Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@thatdutchperson

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

@robdelaney

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

@adamhess1

So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”

@causticbob

Happy thanksgiving!

@PimpBillClinton

The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).

@_youhadonejob1

Best warning sign ever.

@singwithTaffy

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

@Julescoop

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

@hippieswordfish

before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war

@KimmyMonte

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower