Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”
The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).
Best warning sign ever.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower