Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Cats are still liquid.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what