I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.