You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Home is where your toilet is.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad