[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
You Might Also Like
“I got you, babe.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I’m still waiting for my knight in shining sarcasm.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?