You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
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I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
ok like just. call me at this point
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done