You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.


MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.


I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.


Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.


I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.


MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods


[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?