You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,