@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

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@EndhooS

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

@sarcasm_inc

*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.

@meganamram

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

@lasergirl70

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

@Tmoney68

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

@ch000ch

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

@MelvinofYork

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

@sirivan

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

@FSUSteve

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?