[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
NOTHIN. See u at 9
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
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*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?