You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
You Might Also Like
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day