Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
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It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Home is where your toilet is.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.