You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
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My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in