You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

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Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.


The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.


My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?


ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants


I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.


Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think


friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though


Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
Me: Correct.


People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.

Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.