You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…


Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”


This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.


Doc: You need to increase your protein intake.

Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*


goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles


I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.


“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York


The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.


Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.