@debon7

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

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@KalvinMacleod

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

@Cheeseboy22

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

@TheToddWilliams

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

@Jake_Vig

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

@Home_Halfway

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

@audipenny

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
Me: Correct.

@jsteele3966

People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.

Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.