James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”
J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …
would bay to leaf him.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT