Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
You Might Also Like
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.
Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.