@debon7

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

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@Jake_Vig

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

@Jordan_Morris

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

@kwirkyKerri

Doc: You need to increase your protein intake.

Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*

@IvoryGazelle

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

@GensPlace

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

@TurnpikeTony

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.