You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Natural selection at its finest
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!